Some control doesn’t look like control at all.
It sounds kind. Or sounds like love. Sometimes it even sounds like reason. That’s what makes it hard to spot—especially when you’re in it.
These tactics aren’t loud. They don’t leave marks. But they shift the way you think, speak, and feel. Slowly. Quietly.
By the time you recognize it, you’ve likely adjusted your entire behavior to avoid setting them off.
As a life coach after divorce in London, I’ve seen firsthand how deeply embedded these patterns can become. So let’s name the behaviors. The ones that often go unnoticed until you’re already deep inside them.
This is when “I’m sorry” never actually means “I was wrong.”
Instead, you get lines like:
There’s no ownership. No understanding. And yet, you’re expected to let it go.
You walk away from the conversation more confused than when you started. That confusion? It keeps the power in their hands.
Love should feel steady. But when affection only shows up when you’re pleasing them, it turns into a system of reward and punishment.
One day they’re warm. The next, they’re cold or distant.
You try harder to get the warmth back. You tiptoe around their moods. You adapt. And they use that to guide your behavior.
This tactic doesn’t always scream abuse. But it teaches you that love comes with a condition: behave, or lose connection.
Control often hides behind offers to help.
They suggest you stop working so they can “take care of you.” They manage your finances, handle your appointments, tell you not to worry about things. It can feel like protection at first.
But it isolates you. And the more dependent you become, the harder it is to leave.
Later, it’s used against you. “You need me.” “Where would you even go?” This is no accident—it’s planned.
Abusers often make their hurt feel louder than your hurt.
You try to bring up something that upset you. Their reaction? “After everything I’ve done for you?” or “You really think I’m the bad guy here?”
You end up apologizing. Again.
Your pain becomes secondary to their reaction. You learn to stay quiet to keep the peace. That silence, over time, becomes the pattern.
Not all harm is direct. Some comes wrapped in jokes or offhand comments.
They’ll say things that sound small but cut deep. Then they laugh. Or claim you’re too sensitive.
This tactic creates self-doubt. It makes you second-guess your reactions. And that uncertainty keeps you from calling out the behavior.
Abusers often shift expectations without warning.
What they asked for yesterday becomes unacceptable today.
They claim to hate drama, yet explode when you express emotion. They say they want honesty, but react with punishment when you share the truth.
Even the definition of “respect” changes based on what benefits them in that moment.
This tactic keeps you guessing. You start to feel like you’re constantly doing something wrong—even when you’re trying your best.
The inconsistency isn’t random. It keeps you unsteady, uncertain, and easier to manage.
This tactic is subtle but dangerous. They forget what they said. Or deny what you know happened.
You hear things like:
And even when you were sure before, now you’re not. You start recording conversations in your head. You question your memory.
That’s how gaslighting begins—not always loud, but steady.
Emotional abuse is often a slow erosion, not a single moment. The patterns above don’t look like what most people expect.
That’s why so many miss them until they’re deep in it.
At our practice, we support individuals facing these exact dynamics. Whether you’re naming these behaviors for the first time or rebuilding after leaving, a separation coach in London can help guide you with clarity, compassion, and no judgment.
You don’t have to figure it all out alone. Help is here when you’re ready.
© 2025 Rachna Tulsyan, All Rights Reserved
